Could I? Should I?
by the sexy turtle
Summary: "And all the smiles that are ever gonna haunt me, never coming home never coming home" Santana is dealing with a huge loss and Quinn is there to help. M for some language and possible content in later chapters. Character Death!
1. Chapter 1

I kneeled by the gravestone. I still couldn't believe she was gone. We were supposed to be together forever. No matter what. "Well I guess forever is shorter than I thought," I muttered bitterly. I thought about her. Her beautiful smile, the one that was only for me. Her blond hair that I would never see again, never run my fingers through again. The way she would call my name, whether in pleasure or just everyday. Her amazing laugh that never failed to send shivers up and down my spine. I felt a tear slip down my cheek, but I wiped it away quickly. She wouldn't want me to cry.

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><p><strong>The shooter is so very lucky that Puck pulled me off of him. The second I saw her collapse after the gun went off I was on top of him. Clawing, punching, biting, kicking, whatever I could do to hurt him. Like he hurt her. Puck pulled me off before I could kill him thought, the bastard.<strong>

**After he set me down, I was by her side. Her pulse was weak and her breathing shallow. I hugged her to my chest and sobbed into her hair. She wrapped her arms around me and tried to pull me closer with whatever strength she had. I just sobbed harder and kissed the top of her head. She pulled back a bit and kissed me weakly on the lips.**

** I kissed back desperately for a few seconds before she pulled back. She had tears flowing down her cheeks, but they weren't from physical pain. No, these were from heartbreak. She whispered, "I love you so much San, always remember that." **

** I just pulled her back to me and whispered '**_**I love you' **_**over and over into her hair.**

** She died in my arms that night. All because some motherfucking son of a bitch decided that he was going to shoot some random people in the street.**

I was brought out of my thoughts by someone standing beside me. It was Rachel and she had tear stains on her cheeks. She stared intensely at the ground.

"You really loved her didn't you Santana?" she whispered.

"Yes…" I croaked hating how broken my voice sounded.

"It'll be ok San," she whispered looking at me.

"NO! No it won't be! She was my life! My reason for living! And now she's gone and it's all my fault!" I shouted the tears I had been holding back suddenly flowing down my face. I collapsed on the ground and Rachel just kneeled down next to me and held me while I cried. She whispered to me "Santana Maria Lopez. Do not ever think that this is your fault. The only person at fault is that selfish bag of horse shit who shot her. He is the one to blame, not you."

"But it is my fault Rachel! I should have protected her better…I should have seen him… or jumped in front of her or something! Why did it have to be her Rachel?"

"I don't know San, but all we can do now is remember her and try to move on with our lives. I know she would have wanted you to move on."

Her phone vibrated and I heard her texting someone. She stopped, stood up, then helped me stand up. She pulled me into a hug.

"We have to go now San, it's almost six and Quinn is waiting for us…"

I just nodded and motioned for her to walk ahead a little. I turned toward the grave and whispered, "I love you Brittany, forever and always."

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><p>I looked out my window and saw them walking towards me. They got into the car and we drove to my house. Once we got up to my room it started raining.<p>

"How fucking cliché." Santana mumbled. I just hummed in agreement and Rachel nodded. Santana sat down on my floor and reached into her bag, pulling out a bottle of vodka. Rachel stared wide-eyed as Santana took a large gulp, then winced as the liquid burned down her throat.

"What the fuck are you staring at Hobbit?" even though we had all been friends for about a year, Santana still called Rachel hobbit and smurfette. Affectionately of course though.

"N-nothing San," Rachel stuttered.

"Yeah that's what I thought," Santana replied.

I was silent throughout the whole exchange. I hadn't said one work since I heard the news. Only communicating through text and writing. I had stopped talking once I had realized that Brittany really wasn't ever coming back.

She always made me smile, no matter what. She had that effect on everyone. She would bounce into a room and everyone's face would light up. I'd even seen Karofsky smiling a couple times after she had walked in. I still remember everyone's reaction when they heard the news.

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><p><strong>Puck sat stone-faced next<strong> **to Santana, who just looked empty. Like the life was just gone from her. Finn refused to believe t and kicked a couple chairs before yelling at to stop lying to him. Rachel, Tina, and Quinn just huddled together and cried, jumping every time Finn would smash something. Mike and Sam had tears running down their faces as they held Finn back from breaking anything else. Artie just left the room, but everyone heard him scream out even after the door had closed.**

** Kurt collapsed on the floor sobbing, Lauren picked him up and sat next to him, silent tears falling from her eyes. just looked at them all with watery eyes before turning to Brad who was wiping his eyes with a tissue.**

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><p><strong>AN: ok so continue? I felt so bad writing this because I love Brittany with all of my heart and I hate it when she dies in fics. The title is from "Ghost of You" by MCR<strong>

**Disclaimer: I don't own Glee or "Ghost of You" by My Chemical Romance**


	2. Chapter 2

**AN: Here's chapter 2. Sorry that it took so long, I've been busy with school.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Glee or "When You're Gone" by Avril Lavigne **

I woke up to screaming next to me. I sat up and looked around still a little dazed from sleeping. I finally realized that Santana was screaming and thrashing next to me. Her eyes were screwed shut. I pulled her to me and tried to wake her up.

"Britt…NO!" she screamed as she jolted awake. I just held her while she sobbed on my shoulder. I was trying to remember how we ad gotten into my bed in the first place. I only remembered Rachel leaving around 11, then San and I got really drunk. We must have crawled into bed at some point.

"Quinn?" Santana's soft voice pulled me from my thoughts.

"Hm?"

"Could you sing to me?" she sounded so broken and small that I couldn't refuse, even though singing was the last thing I wanted to do because that would mean talking.

"I just want to hear your voice…" she mumbled looking down at the sheets. I tilted her head up to look at me and just smiled, letting her know that it was ok.

**I always needed time on my own**

**I never thought I'd need you there when I cried**

**And the days feel like years when I'm alone**

**And the bed where you lied**

**Is made up on your side**

Santana just smiled softly, tears streaming down her face. She wrapped her arms around my waist and laid her head on my shoulder.

**When you're gone, the pieces of my heart are missing you**

**When you're gone, the face I came to know is missing too**

**When you're gone, the words I need to hear**

**To always get me through the day**

**And make it ok**

**I miss you**

"Thank you Q" she mumbled sleepily into my neck. I just hugged her tighter and kept singing till she fell asleep.

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><p>I groaned as the sunlight hit me in the face and just snuggled deeper into the warm body next to me. I vaguely registered that it was Quinn I was cuddling with, but at the moment I didn't care at all.<p>

That was when I remembered my nightmare and Quinn singing. I didn't even know why I asked her to sing. I guess her voice just has always calmed me down in some way. I was suddenly embarrassed for what has transpired the night before. I tried to wiggle away from Quinn, but she just tightened her hold and mumbled "No, time to sleep."

I smiled in spite of myself. She was really adorable when she was sleepy. I finally managed to get away from her and I sat on the edge of her bed thinking of what I should do.

Going home wasn't an option. Well, it was, but I didn't want to be alone. My parents were away on another 2 month vacation, the third one that year. Even if they were home, I would have to deal with my father ranting about how wrong I was. I had come out to my parents about 3 months ago. My mom had accepted me and not judged, but my father was a different story. He hadn't kicked me out, but he made sure to loudly proclaim his hatred of gay people.

I couldn't go to Puck's because I know I would get drunk and we would end up having sex, it wouldn't be for pleasure, it would just be for the feeling of being wanted by someone.

A slim pair of arms wrapped around my waist and I was brought out of my thoughts by Quinn laying her head on my shoulder and staring ahead at the wall. This was one reason that I loved having Quinn as a friend. She could always tell whether I wanted to talk or just be held. Besides Britt, Quinn, and the Hobbit, no one else knew I loved to cuddle. I would never admit it out loud though. It was a secret for my best friends and Brittany only.

I sighed. It was really hard accepting that she was gone. The day she died, it was like all the happiness left Lima, Ohio. Everyone was depressed and there was an air of gloom over the town.

I couldn't wait till the day I got to testify against the bastard who took Brittany from me. It was going to be glorious. I was going to enjoy making everyone in the room hate him even more than they probably already did.

Again, Quinn pulled me from my thoughts when she started stroking my hair. I just smiled softly and turned around to hug her.

"Thank you for last night," I whispered into her hair.

"Hey, it was no problem. You're my best friend and you're hurting. I'm going to do what ever it takes to make it at least a little bit better." She said, pulling back to look into my eyes. I could see the honesty swirling in the pools of hazel. I just nodded and hugged her again.

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><p>If only Santana knew how true that statement was. I loved her so much, but she would always love Brittany. I knew I had to tell her how I felt, but I had to be a friend. Telling her would have made things even worse than they already were. It was killing me inside. I wanted so badly to kiss her and make all her pain go away, but I couldn't. So, I promised myself that I would tell her by then end of the year.<p> 


	3. Chapter 3

**AN: I am so so so sorry that this took so long. I wrote it out awhile ago in Guided Study, but I never had the time to type it up. I promised myself I wouldn't let this happen, but….I'm not very good with keeping promises. Anyway, now that finals are over and I'm on break, I had the time to update. Hope you like it, and please review!**

**Quinn's POV**

"Where's Santana?" Rachel asked as I walked into the kitchen.

"She's sleeping. She had a rough night and needed some more rest. She'll be down by dinner time." I replied.

"Oh, ok," she paused for a moment, "Hey where is your mom? I haven't seen her in a while."

"She's just been working a lot lately and hasn't been home till late at night. Then she has to leave pretty early," I smirked, "Don't worry Rachel, you'll get your fill of my wonderful mother soon, she is supposed to done working late now." We both started laughing, but Rachel stopped suddenly. She looked like she was thinking for a moment, then her eyes got wide.

"Um, Quinn? Given the current state Santana is in, do you think it is wise leaving her all alone upstairs? I may just be being paranoid, but…" My eyes widened.

"Shit. I never thought of that." I bolted upstairs and opened the door to my bedroom. I relaxed when I saw Santana sleeping peacefully. I left the door open and walked downstairs. I stopped when I heard Puck's voice.

"Hey my Jewish American Princess, how you holding up?"

"I'm….I'm ok Noah. I just really really miss Brittany."

"Yeah, I know what you mean. Half of school didn't even show up today, and the half that did were only there because there was no where else to go. I was only there to help clean out Brittany's locker. I even saw Coach Sylvester crying when I passed by her office. Everyone is so depressed by this. By the way, how is Lopez holding up?"

I chose that moment to walk in the room.

"She's asleep right now. She had a nightmare last night"

"Hey Baby Mama," Puck came over and gave me a tight hug. I hugged him back and breathed in his scent. He may be a man-whore sometimes, and he got me pregnant, but he is still one of my best friends. He is sweet and protective of me, Santana, and Rachel. Plus, now that he is with Lauren, he's not trying to get into our pants.

I pulled back and looked up at his face. He looked almost dead, like he hadn't slept or ate properly in days.

"Puck, when did you last sleep?"

"Uh…I think it was Saturday…"

"It's Wednesday."

"I know…"

"Go take a nap on my couch, you really need the sleep." He walked into the living room and plopped down on the couch. I turned to Rachel and asked her if she wanted some fruit. We both sat in the kitchen eating strawberries for about half an hour.

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><p>I walked into the living room when I heard a noise. Puck was tossing and turning on the couch.<p>

"Puck!" I exclaimed.

"What?" he asked looking between Rachel and me.

"What's wrong?"

"I just….I can't get the sight of her outta my head! Every time I close my eyes I see her laying there with blood around her! I can't…..IT WON'T GO AWAY!" he screamed punching the pillow over and over. Rachel finally held him back and he burst into tears. She held him for a while till he pulled back and said he wanted to sleep.

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><p>Rachel sat and watched him while I went to check on Santana. I walked in my room to find her sitting on my bed looking at something in her lap.<p>

"San?" I quietly asked. She looked up at me and my heart broke. She looked so lost and broken. I walked over and looked at what was in her lap. It was her cell phone and it had a picture of her and Brittany from our snow day in January. Brittany had her fluffy hat on and Santana was wearing a dark red and green striped hat. Britt was beaming at the camera while Santana kissed her cheek.

I smiled sadly at the photo and turned her phone off.

"I asked her to be my girlfriend that day you know…I was finally ready to come out."

"I know, she called me later that day and gushed about you for about an hour," I smiled at her, "She was so happy you were ready and she was proud of you."

She choked out a sob, "I know… I had finally gotten my head out of my ass and realized that it didn't matter what other people thought about us, about me. I loved her so much and she loved me. That was all that mattered."

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><p><strong>Santana's POV<strong>

I felt like I was going to burst into tears at any moment, but I couldn't. I didn't have the energy anymore. Thank God for Quinn or I probably would have offed myself by now.

Quinn, she is such an amazing friend. I don't deserve her. She's helped me through a lot of shit, but this is the worst. She must be breaking inside, but she is still taking care of me. She was the first one I came out to, besides Brittany. We were drunk and I was crying, but still.

She's beautiful too, inside and out. I don't know how she could ever think she wasn't. I think that in the back of my mind, I've always been attracted to her. Don't get me wrong, I love Brittany with all of my heart and soul, but there is just something about Quinn…I don't even know anymore. I can't deal with any feelings for Quinn and Brittany's death. It's all just too much. Plus, Quinn is straight so I'd never even stand a chance.

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><p>I turned my phone on and looked for my photo of Brittany and I from the snow day. I smiled softly. That had been one of the best days of my life. The other was the day Brittany told me she loved me.<p>

I heard someone walk in, but I didn't look up. I knew it was either Quinn or Hobbit. It turned out to be Quinn, she called my name and I looked up at her. She walked over and sat down next to me and turned my phone off.

We talked for a little bit and I realized I did have a couple tears left. Jesus, I feel pathetic. I should be out kicking that shooter's ass. I should be getting revenge for Brittany….

She shouldn't be dead. I should have been paying more attention. I should have stopped him.

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><p>Quinn left after I told her I wanted to sleep some more. Once she was gone, I ran into the bathroom. It was easy enough to find, she kept them in the top drawer.<p>

I sat on the edge of the bathtub and took a deep breath. I put the blade against my wrist and slid it across my skin… Crimson red bubbled out of my skin rather quickly. I hadn't cut deep enough to do any real damage, but the amount of blood still freaked me out a bit. I quickly cleaned the cut and bandaged it. I cleaned the razor and put it in my bag.

It stung like hell, but it felt strangely freeing, like the pain over losing Brittany flowed out of me with my blood. I slipped a hoodie on just incase Quinn or Big Beak decided to come check on me. I slipped under the covers and fell asleep almost immediately.

**AN: Thank you for reading and please review! You can have a cookie if you do.**


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